Being stuck in the same spot for almost 26 months with the hope that any day now we will receive our referral has taken a toll that I am not sure we could ever have prepared ourselves for. The emotional roller coaster that exists along the way is one that I cannot even figure out the right words to select to help someone truly understand the experience. I am inclined to try to use an analogy of the most exciting, yet scariest amusement park ride I've ever been on. That just doesn't even come close to the type of agony that is felt in the waiting process.
As a Christian of more than 20 years, I've spent a whole lot of time in my Bible. I have read back through women's ministry studies that I have taught other women!! I have tried to hold on to all of the encouraging scriptures that almost seem cliche in this time of struggle. Scriptures like:
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Psalm 16:8 "I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."
I have sung songs of worship that have given me peace and comfort and focused my attention on God rather than on the waiting. As a Christian I know that this is what we are called to do...keep our eyes focused on the Lord and praise Him in all things. We are called to cast our cares on Him and He will give us rest. We are told that we are to "be anxious for nothing because in all things, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let our requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7).
As of late I have found myself in a battle that seems to be raging on this exact scripture. A scripture that my co-ministry leader and I covered multiple times over the years. A scripture that I have such a hard time grasping. It is not a battle of faith. I believe with my whole heart that God is in control and that He will be faithful in bringing us through this. It is not a matter of doubt or of trust for that matter. I know that I serve a God that is big enough to change this in an instant and that He will overcome all of the challenges that are presented to us in this journey. I even believe that God can redeem the time with our daughter that we are missing out on right now. The battle is between anxiety and peace that surpasses all understanding.
It struck me this past weekend that the struggle lies upon the very thought that I am supposed to have peace when there are children...orphans that we are called to care for just waiting for YEARS in an orphanage when there are very good families waiting to take care of them and love them. The unnecessary waiting and lack of urgency to get them home is not well with my soul and I am not quite sure when it will ever be well with my soul. I cannot understand how to be at peace when my heart is so completely heartbroken that we have yet to meet our daughter and tell her that we love her.
As I dig to try to find hope in this battle, I am reminded that I am in good company. I am reminded of a mighty man of God named David who dealt with this same battle. In Psalm 13:2 David writes, “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” In this very same Psalm, just a few verses later David writes:
“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me." (Psalm 13:5-6)
John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Psalm 16:8 "I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."
I have sung songs of worship that have given me peace and comfort and focused my attention on God rather than on the waiting. As a Christian I know that this is what we are called to do...keep our eyes focused on the Lord and praise Him in all things. We are called to cast our cares on Him and He will give us rest. We are told that we are to "be anxious for nothing because in all things, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let our requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7).
As of late I have found myself in a battle that seems to be raging on this exact scripture. A scripture that my co-ministry leader and I covered multiple times over the years. A scripture that I have such a hard time grasping. It is not a battle of faith. I believe with my whole heart that God is in control and that He will be faithful in bringing us through this. It is not a matter of doubt or of trust for that matter. I know that I serve a God that is big enough to change this in an instant and that He will overcome all of the challenges that are presented to us in this journey. I even believe that God can redeem the time with our daughter that we are missing out on right now. The battle is between anxiety and peace that surpasses all understanding.
It struck me this past weekend that the struggle lies upon the very thought that I am supposed to have peace when there are children...orphans that we are called to care for just waiting for YEARS in an orphanage when there are very good families waiting to take care of them and love them. The unnecessary waiting and lack of urgency to get them home is not well with my soul and I am not quite sure when it will ever be well with my soul. I cannot understand how to be at peace when my heart is so completely heartbroken that we have yet to meet our daughter and tell her that we love her.
As I dig to try to find hope in this battle, I am reminded that I am in good company. I am reminded of a mighty man of God named David who dealt with this same battle. In Psalm 13:2 David writes, “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” In this very same Psalm, just a few verses later David writes:
“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me." (Psalm 13:5-6)
I am reminded of all of the good and faithful things that my God has already done in my life and the lives of those around me. I am reminded of all of the bible stories that show His faithfulness even through long suffering. I am reminded that even though I may have sorrow, there is still HOPE and that He loves me with an unfailing love! This, my friends, ultimately brings me back to a place of peace! Thank you, Lord!!
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